The Changing Face of Grief

I said last week that I didn’t have a chance to mourn the loss of the mother I knew. Is that true?

This week I noticed I can read faster and easier than I remember doing in over a year.

I even thought about reading a book in Hebrew again. I decided over a year ago not to bother any more. It was too much effort.

My sleep was so terrible for so long.

Random bursts of unexpressed but overwhelming anger, at my mother and at the world.

The deep fatigue that came without warning and lasted for days or weeks.

It’s been over six months since I said out loud that the mother I grew up with was gone and I would never see her again. I cried and my meditation group was there for me.

I can’t quite pull off complicated math like addition. I’m not coping too well with phone calls. People have been needing to wait a bit for answers to complicated questions like “how much is a massage?” (How should I know how much I charge?). But in some ways my mind feel clearer than it has in many months. And in that clarity I can recognize you, grief. How long have we been roommates?